i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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