i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
