HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
