my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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