Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
