Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
