I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
