So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
