I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Randomize
