chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
