Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
