woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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