My liver just broke up with me...
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
