I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
