I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
