the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My ATM looks so different sober.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
God, I missed his penis.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
