yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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