Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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