you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
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I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
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One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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