yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
