i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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