if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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