Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
