Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
did i just pee glitter
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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