3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
