Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
