Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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