My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
