Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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