My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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