Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
