have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
