Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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