somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
