I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
