Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
