I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
