we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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