When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
