He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
