the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
