last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
