that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
