dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
