When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
