one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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