can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
