and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
