I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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