I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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