I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
