I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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