Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
