I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
