his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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